I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
