You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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