i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
