I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
