Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
