They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
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He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
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i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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