Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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