dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
