In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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