what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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