Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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