i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
where are you?
Hypothermia
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You ruined the universe
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
