Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
