i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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