Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
