so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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