Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
