Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I could make wine with my vomit
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
