Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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