I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
