i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
