I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
