Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
