wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
