I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
my shit smells like andre
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
