Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
