I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
