I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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