you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
