Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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