Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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