i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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