Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
