Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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