Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Still dying that you shit outside
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
