I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
