My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
This is classic penis vs brain.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
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