just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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