I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
