I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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