he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
