last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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