he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
