I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
