I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
