It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Randomize
