dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
i think my cat just said my name.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
