Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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