my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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