We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
