it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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