It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
