I have demons in me.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
