god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
