dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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