There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
