just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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