Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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