all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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