i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
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He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
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You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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