This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
