You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
